Today was the first San Pedro ceremony in our 10 day retreat with Javier. We went for a hike to the Moray ruins on the 5th and also discussed the ceremony format and so on, which we were already familiar with. My intention for the ceremony was to continue the work from the past ceremony, however my expectation of course was that I had dealt with all that needed dealing with, and that I would sit in the ceremony in perfect bliss.
The ceremony was opened, we all drunk, and then waited. I was beginning to feel quite nauseous, but was determined not to purge. I left the Maloka and went over to my favourite corner of the garden to lie in the sun. I stayed for a while, enjoying the sun, and just lying there. It wasn’t long before I started to get too hot. I was sweating and getting increasingly uncomfortable and so I returned to the shade of the Maloka. I began to experience immense internal discomfort. My muscles were shaking, I was tense, and I was growing angrier and angrier by the minute. “So much for having everything straight,” I thought. I was long past the point of being able to keep a lid on it. This was quickly shaping up to be another disaster. I’d taken a larger dose of the medicine than before. The ceiling was swirling and I realised that I was experiencing mild visual hallucinations. I was following the movement of vague large lizards and spiders on a ceiling whose wooden beams looked even more red and angry than I felt.
I went back to the corner of the garden and vomited painfully. I spent the majority of the rest of the afternoon vomiting. Even 6 or more hours after drinking, I could still taste the foul taste of the San Pedro. I came back to the Maloka and Luz Maria who was assisting Javier came to sing to me. She said, “this is a song for little boys” – how she managed to hit on that is beyond me – my repressed little boy. I cried some more during the drumming which seemed to vibrate right to my core. I was so angry and uncomfortable.
After a great deal of suffering, tears, and indescribable anger towards myself and my surroundings, I went in to Javier’s house and told him that I really needed help. I told him that I was completely confused, I wanted to let go of all this hurt and anger although I didn’t know how, or what would take its place. Javier brought out his favourite “Heal your wounds & find your true self” by Lise Bourbeau and began reading the next chapter. The previous chapter was on rejection, and this one was on embarrassment, shame and humiliation.
I looked at him blankly. “You’ve got this wrong,” I thought to myself. “This is someone else’s story. I don’t even have the words shame and ashamed in my dictionary – what do I have to be ashamed of?” The very next thought was, “wow, I’m so ashamed and embarrassed. I’m even embarrassed about being embarrassed.” I just like to dress it up as modesty and humbleness.
I was ashamed of doing well in business, feeling that I didn’t deserve it. I was ashamed to show any of my talents, fearing ridicule or rejection. I was certainly embarrassed at putting myself “out there.”
I realized for the first time that a real fear of mine was not in being weak, embarrassed or worthless, it was just how powerful I was. Instead of having all this conflicting energy swirling around and leading to anger, depression and self-hatred, imagine what would happen if I pointed all my energy in one direction and pulled the trigger – I shivered to think how far I could fly.
The revelation was powerful and left me with a lot to think about. Why should I be embarrassed or worth less than anyone else? Why should I be embarrassed about who I am? I’ve always been told that story by myself and others, but there’s nothing objective to back it up – more smoke and mirrors in the mind. Of course, during my upbringing, I was conditioned to behave, conform and fit in – but who wasn’t? Hadn’t I let that go yet? I guess not.
I went back outside where tears and vomiting followed, but this was good. It wasn’t anger and pain directed back at myself as before but the real letting out and releasing of these feelings and patterns.
It was a tough day, and the ceremony ended as usual at sunset. We had the next day off.
