So today’s ceremony was the beginning of a new chapter. There was a real shift in the feel of the ceremony and the kind of work I was doing. There was far less internal struggle, and I didn’t feel any major repressed issues surfacing – for the first time I knew which way was up. Today was a ceremony of visions, insights, and letting go.
The morning passed calmly and peacefully as I lay back in the Maloka relaxing and watching the world go by. After a while I went to lie down inside, which was usually where the insights would start flowing. In one stroke, an amusing story of my creation came to me –
At first, there was just God. Everything and nothing. Imagine all that raw and untapped infinite possibility. Then God had a thought, and the earth was born. Next, God wondered what it might be like to experience the earth he had imagined, in all possible ways, and so I was born. Just another way for God to experience himself, just another perspective.
When I first split from God, many many life times ago, I rushed out of heaven in such excitement to see what all the fuss was about, God hadn’t even finished speaking to me. I snatched my new body and ran.
God had fixed my perception, and given me all manner of allies that I would need, and that would help me navigate this experience. The allies were seeds that could be cultivated; a thinking mind, fear, pain, joy, love and so on.
God told me that I could cultivate and build a relationship with the allies, however in my rush to leave, I hadn’t listened. Immediately, I lost control and awareness, and allowed the allies to do as they wished.
The allies ran riot and fought with each other. Over time, given my unconscious cultivations, certain allies came out triumphant and certain faded. The triumphant allies would forever be fighting to take control of the body. Of course, such was my rush to leave heaven that by the time the lessons of, “splitting infinity still results in infinity” or “there is no right and wrong, just experience”
So the allies grew strong, and put up defences. Such was the power I had given them, that they invented and imagined their very realities; a delusion within a delusion. Rather than being able to use my mind as a tool, I had become my mind. My awareness was gone, and I had become my projections.
This comical story came about as the result of a more simple insight – I am not the characters in my mind. Intellectually, I already knew that. Intellectually I also knew that I was beyond my mind. This realization however hit me in the heart as a deep knowledge, almost a deja-vu, far beyond a shallow intellectual belief or thought process.
I reflected for a short while before feeling a real sadness and sense of loss come over me. I remembered that in a flash of awareness a couple of days before, I’d seen the face of the biggest and most powerful character. Once I’d seen him, his days were numbered. The memory came back to me, and I knew that I had no choice but to give him up. I feel that this small “jump” in awareness was because I’d done enough cleansing work at that level of the mind, that there were no more tricks, twists and turns. I saw it for what it was from my new vantage point, and it was time for it to go.
A lifelong friend, always providing comfort and usually agreeing with me. He sometimes complained and criticised me, was often angry and scornful and was always bored and frustrated. He will never grow up, he was always right, and he was always telling me that I couldn’t do what I knew I could. “Do this, don’t do that, that wasn’t a nice thing to do, this isn’t fair,” so it would go on. It was time to let go of this creation, this mental dialogue and inner conflict. I felt such strong emotion – I had given this character such life. During one of his critical dialogues that I would usually just unconsciously listen to and accept as fact, I suddenly became aware and said, “who are you?” “I don’t even know who you are.”
It felt that it was time to write a goodbye letter, letting my feelings flow. I read the letter, and proceeded it take it to the fire pit to let it go.
When I was finished, I knew that I was free from the most overpowering character that I’d created. Many of the other characters showed themselves to me, as I said, “the master is back.”
They all quickly fell into line, as if they’d just been waiting for me to come home all along. Sure, the characters popped up now and again but I could no longer be affected by them in the same way – I knew them and all their tricks. They would use any opportunity or moment of unawareness to try and take hold again. If I found myself looking outside myself for comfort, they would be there. If I needed validation or approval, they would be there.
The more I worked with San Pedro, the more that these kinds of insights would just hit me like forgotten memories and knowledge.
As I am both God and a part of God, I can never “know”myself intellectually. Logic may dissect anger, and judgement may judge pain, however these things can never know the true master.
The fog was clearing faster than ever, and I left the ceremony feeling calm, powerful and centered, and with more excitement and joy about what was to come rather than fear and dread.
