My intention for this ceremony was to continue the work from last ceremony. I decided to drink the fowl tasting stuff rather than risking a repeat of the previous disaster by using capsules. I recalled Javier saying, “it’s nothing to do with the capsules, it’s you,” but I didn’t believe him.
The last ceremony was confusing and I hadn’t been able to integrate it. I planned to drink and then remain aware of any resistances coming up to whatever unfolded. I was also still very much holding on to my fears of an unsatisfactory future and discomfort that time was always running by too quickly.
The first couple of hours were uneventful, although I could feel tension coming up. I started to feel angry and after sitting with it for a while, I asked Javier if I could go outside the property. I went outside, fully in the throws of the medicine, and paced around a little before settling in the field directly next door. The field had rocks and wood scattered in it. Remembering my release of anger from an earlier ceremony, I begun to pick up the small rocks and start throwing them. Small rocks became bigger rocks and bigger rocks became huge wooden logs.
The conflict and inner dialog was growing, “I can do what I want, I’ll take as much time as I want, I’ll finish whenever I’m ready.” I realized that it traced back to various childhood experiences where I’d often felt limited in time and tightly constrained in what I could and couldn’t do. I’d developed a discomfort whenever I was engaged in anything, a kind of stimulated urge to hurry up and better optimize my actions to save time. I was never in the moment and always struggling to keep hold of it.
Eventually I ran the width of the field, dehydrated and in the midday sun, in blind rage before collapsing to my knees and letting out a scream only ever uttered once before in an earlier ceremony.
Everyone had heard me scream but I knew I’d made progress, as this time despite once being the most self conscious guy in the room, I didn’t give it a second thought. The anger passed quickly, and I slowly limped back down the path, through the gate and into the Maloka. My arms were sore and aching.
Within a few minutes, the anger had passed and turned to tears. Through the ceremonies, the tears were becoming more and more about joy and release as opposed to the earlier self loathing, pain and anger.
The afternoon was the most relaxing and peaceful experience that I’ve had yet with this medicine. I was singing along to one of my favourite ceremony songs – Mountain Hare Krishna, relaxing, smiling and generally feeling good. My mind was calm and free from thoughts and worries about the future. The less I was trying to manipulate and grab hold of the moment, the more I could relax and get into the flow of the moment, with less resistances and discomfort.
When the ceremony closed I was feeling calm, happy and expanded.
