By the time today’s ceremony arrived, I’d largely recovered from the tortuous ceremony with the extended release capsules, and was instead more concerned that I’d almost thrown up the San Pedro in the previous ceremony before it had even touched my stomach.
I brought a more physical issue to this ceremony. I’d tested positive for Glandular Fever (mono) about 5 years before, and owing to catching it as an adult I’d had recurring symptoms and problems as a result. My first infection had left me in hospital for a week and I had never fully shifted it since. The doctors told me that it was a virus that I would have for life but that shouldn’t cause me any major issues. I knew that each time I caught a cold or went through any kind of stress or physical over-exertion, the symptoms would return for anywhere between a week and a few months. The symptoms included muscle pain, mild nausea and fever and overpowering fatigue that would see me needing 10 or 11 hours of sleep each night and waking up feeling groggy and hungover.
Coming round to Javier’s assurance that the unpleasant freak-out at the end of that past ceremony was down to me rather than the capsules, and having had two reasonable ceremonies since, I decided to go with the capsules again. This time, I was more careful, and managed to fit my dosage into about 35 tightly packed capsules. As before, I swallowed them slowly over about 20 minutes, and made sure that this time, I took them with plenty of water.
I felt strong nausea for many hours but was unable to vomit. I was becoming frustrated and mildly angry, and knew by now that this meant I was still holding on to something. In a succession of insights, I could see that the Glandular Fever was strongly tied to guilt. I’d caught the original infection in a bizarre coincidence at a time of stress and strong feelings of guilt surrounding illness in the family and those feelings had never been addressed or released.
I felt the guilt strongly and could see the cause. I focused on my family and felt anger towards having parents who I had begun to see as confused children rather than the god-like, all knowing, invincible parents that I had expected. In that way, I wanted to see them as a kind of safety net. I realized that I couldn’t give up my responsibility and freedom of choice to them as I’d always wanted to throughout my upbringing, as they had been just as lost and confused as me.
It took some time before these feelings had been resolved, and afterwards I felt a real joy for the upbringing that I did have. This was the final push in leaving that bag behind me, and the progression throughout the ceremonies had gone something like this:
- Intellectually and logically forgiving my parents for my upbringing, “I know they did the best they could.” Whilst still harbouring a great deal of anger and resentment towards them and also myself for being such a terrible child.
- Truly forgiving myself for anything “wrong” I did, knowing on all levels that I did whatever I did out of suffering and pain – not malice.
- Truly forgiving my parents in the same way.
If I hadn’t been pushed in a certain direction, I would never have pulled back in a certain other direction. If I hadn’t had all the wrong (or right) buttons pushed, I wouldn’t be on this path now. Right now, in this moment, I am happy. And it took my entire life exactly as it happened to get me here. I saw my family for their traits – good and bad, and realized that it is what it is, and it’s fine. The more I had come to terms with my own traits and embraced the parts of myself that I’d spent years fighting with, rejecting and getting frustrated with, the less issues I had with other people who embodied those same traits, and there’s no one better placed than family to push the buttons.
The rest of the ceremony passed calmly and pleasantly until the closing came. I was heavily under the influence of the medicine and started to get anxious again. The same thing began to happen as the last time that I’d used the capsules.
After Javier closed the ceremony, people were packing up and getting ready to go. I began to pace around behind the house trying to fight the fear and discomfort that was coming up. Javier came and asked me if I was OK. I said, “the same thing is happening as a few ceremonies ago, I’m feeling so anxious and uncomfortable.” I started to cry, and Javier put his arm round me ready to console me as he had the last time. I said, “No, it’s OK – I’m going to deal with this now.” He asked what I meant and I said, “do I trust myself and my mind or not? Do I trust you and this medicine or not? It’s time to find out one way or another.” He nodded, and I went in to the Ayahuasca temple to lie down flat on my back in my “I’m not resisting, I promise” position.
I was looking up at the giant spider and spider’s web that the ceiling had become under the medicine.
And sure enough, I was freaking out. I breathed calmly and started to let in whatever feelings, sensations and visions needed to come. The tears were streaming down my face and all I could utter out loud to myself was, “I’m so so scared.” I felt such immense emotional pain. My body started to twitch uncontrollably and I continued to breathe into it. The visions were so strong – I was navigating a river of consciousness on a wooden boat with a stick in some kind of dark and murky environment. Next, the giant ceiling spider was moving closer, next mountains and flowers were crumbling together. I continued to breathe, just feeling whatever came up.
The visions were so powerful and I felt my consciousness being thrown from one side to another. Any time any resistance would come up, and there was plenty of it, I would just keep breathing and allowing the experience to happen. Resistance came by way of mental dialog, tears and shaking. The intention I’d just set was being answered. I was willing to take a leap of faith and trust myself – trust my mind with all of its tricks and dark corners not to send itself crazy. I was willing to take a leap of faith and fully trust Javier and the medicine – my heart and intuition were telling me that this was a good decision.
Despite being incredibly powerful and overwhelming, what was unfolding in my awareness was far less painful and traumatic than the fears, the panic attack, and all that tension and resistance. I was finally releasing control and giving in to the unknown.
After perhaps an hour or two, the intensity was starting to subside. I felt totally hollowed out and empty in a light, relaxed and relieved kind of way. A thought came to me, “The one thing that would really freak me out right now is if Max [the cat] appeared. Anyway, I’m feeling ready to go inside now.” As I slid round on the mat ready to get up, there was Max, walking through the Ayahuasca temple door. My wife later told me that she had sent him to see that I was OK!
I got up and went inside. The others were already eating dinner and asked if I was OK. I was aware that I was still strongly under the influence of the medicine and I couldn’t even form sentences let alone participate in the conversation. In spite my state, I was no longer freaking out. I was calm and centered.
I could see how these fears and monsters in my mind were all of my own creating. To keep me safe but small. At any unpleasant feeling or fear that had arisen, I’d unconsciously put a monster down that path, formed from imaginary and magnified fears, to stop myself going down that route or experiencing those feelings. I never thought that I was particularly creative, but this was genius. For someone who held such a fear of “going crazy”, I was doing an excellent job at making myself totally crazy. Imagine if I put all that creativity elsewhere?
That our minds should be that twisted that only by twisting them this far the other way with San Pedro do we end up straightened out is incredible.
To say that I’d learned my lessons with these capsules would be an understatement. The capsules were too thick and acted as an extended release. This caused the majority of the day to feel quite mild whilst my mental defences were being worn down, before the medicine really hit me fully after 6 or 7 hours. This was not what was intended, but was the perfect experience and allowed me to move past a major set of fears and resistances, at a time when I was ready to face something that intense.
I left Javier’s soon after, finding it difficult to eat or speak and feeling very worn out. I barely slept that night again, however rather than spend all night in fear and resistance as I did the last time this happened, I just relaxed into the visions, sensations and feelings that arose. I’d finally learned what giving in and not resisting really meant.
