From an intellectual perspective, each ceremony goes deeper and gets harder. From outside of the mind though, the ceremonies get easier. The suffering is caused by resistance, and with less and less resistance, it’s more a case of “it is whatever it is”.
I realized in this ceremony that more and more of the things that I’ve always taken for granted and not even been aware of are untrue. The ceremony started with the rising of the subconscious belief – good progress and achievement is hard work. What a crazy idea to carry around! So why do I approach this kind of work with such fear and intimidation, sure that it’s going to be hard and painful?
Why go into the rabbit hole with such fear? Why not go in like a newborn child exploring his environment for the first time?
I resisted in this ceremony for quite some time, and didn’t even know what I was resisting. I was pacing up and down the garden, feeling frustrated and nauseous, and hoping that whatever it was would make itself apparent sooner rather than later.
Finally, the strongest feelings of loneliness arose, and I cried long and hard. I remember thinking, “this is horrible, I was absolutely right to resist this” It didn’t matter what thoughts I tried to use to resist – visions of my wife, family and loved ones, I felt totally detached and alone. The more I cried, the more alone I felt and the more pain I experienced. This one seemed bottomless.
Some time later, the feelings were beginning to pass, and I realized that ultimately, I will always be alone, but myself never so. To distract myself from this truth by allowing the “I” to cling to external temporary attachments will always result in suffering.
Later that afternoon, Javier said to me, “Your wife has had a larger dose than usual today, so no smart ass remarks for the next 24 hours please”. I could feel the anger rising, and by now, I wasn’t afraid to let it out! “Me? Smart ass?” I thought to myself. I went to the back of the garden, tore up some grass and let it out. I later thanked Javier for pushing that button and allowing me to release that little anger.
By this stage, I was feeling blissful again. Rather than bathe in it, as I had become used to, I went to the Ayahuasca temple and decided to “give in” a little more. I went deep through the mind, to the source of mind, and ever so slightly beyond, but my awareness kept bouncing back to mind like a rubber ball. After what seemed like forever with my eyes shut, I opened them again and said to myself, “this room is not so solid after all.” It was like I could see the cracks in the matrix. I’d spent my whole life convincing myself that walls and matter in general was solid but in reality, they were only as solid and permanent as I had allowed them to be. I realized again that ego and mind is a protection – these surges of feeling, emotion and thought arise in fear, but who created it, and to protect what?
I ran through everything I’m not. I am not anything, yet everything at the same time. I could see how tricky my mind had become – the smartest prey, always dynamically evading detection and throwing up whatever was needed to avoid detection – intellectualizing, philosophy, discussion, occasional silence, surges of emotion, desires, attachments, rejections, fear. I saw that as I continue to expand, my ego shows more and more of its facets as it becomes more and more known. To whom though?
I felt strange for several days after – I was still in my mind but there was an expandedness and emptiness in the background. My path forward is to keep gently working on my mind with love and compassion.
