We were both up nice and early to head to Javier’s house next door to Paz Y Luz. Whereas before the hike we were advised to eat, Javier instructed us to fast and not have breakfast that morning. Javier made the ceremony sound like a painful and serious affair, which I found at odds with my experience yesterday on the hike. “It’s all good,” I thought to myself, “I know what this is about, I did it yesterday.”
The ceremony was conducted in the round open temple (Maloka) in the gardens of his beautiful house. Javier’s San Pedro came powdered and added to water by the teaspoon. It tasted far worse than Miguel’s brew from the day before. Javier opened the ceremony with tobacco, the singing of Icaros and drumming. The effects became apparent pretty quickly again, and I found myself becoming absorbed in the scenery around me. I was feeling very fidgety and uncomfortable, pacing about and clock watching, and this was at odds with yesterday’s experience.
Javier spent his time through the day attending to us individually and helping us through our experiences. He eventually came over to me and asked, “are you getting what you wanted from the ceremony?” I responded with, “I think my mind is too strong today, I keep fighting it.” He then told me to go with him.
I assumed that I was going to get a second cup of San Pedro as some others had, however I couldn’t have been more wrong. We went to a private spot for a conversation, and within about five minutes, I was on the floor crying my eyes out as a childhood issue with my father surfaced that I had never resolved. It was bizarre, because it seemed like the most irrelevant of issues that had long been forgotten. It was then that I realized that these unresolved but “forgotten” issues that formed my view of the world today. These experiences shaped the way I acted and interacted, and were the “baggage” that people referred to. Ah! It finally makes sense!
The next couple of hours in the ceremony were really dedicated to dealing with that issue. By “dealing with it”, I mean feeling the pain that I refused to allow myself to feel at the time – no rationalization, justification, compartmentalization or other tricks, just raw unprocessed emotion. Tears and purging (vomiting as the blockage is released) followed.
I realised that each painful or traumatic experience had chipped away at me over time. I had refused to experience or ‘feel’ the emotions that arose, and so I pushed them away. The more those issues and associated behaviour patterns showed themselves in future, the more I rejected and pushed them away as part of me that I didn’t want (the ‘shadow’), whilst the feelings and mental structures I’d built that protected me were drawn closer and indulged in.
After this breakthrough, Javier told me that I could break my fast and begin slowly eating and drinking.
Towards about 3PM, I had dealt with the issue as far as I was going to in that ceremony. I started to feel that sense of happiness and lightness from the day before but was well aware that there was much more baggage to deal with in this way.
I watched the movement of energy in the room and the different participants in the ceremony. We were told before starting that we were forbidden from interacting with any of the other participants, and so we all stayed clear of each other. At one point, I saw the breath of another participant as she breathed out a big sigh. It looked similar to the condensation from breathing out on a cold day. I breathed out myself and wondered if it really was that cold! (It wasn’t – and the sun was out).
I then sat for the last couple of hours watching different colours and movements of what I intuitively knew to be the group energy, before Javier closed the ceremony. We had a simple meal together afterwards and we all left as the best of friends, even though we hadn’t interacted during the ceremony. My intention before this ceremony was to overcome stumbling blocks and to open my heart, and that’s certainly what happened. It was painful, but I reclaimed a part of myself that I’d pushed away over 20 years ago.
We had an integration session the next morning at 9AM, where we discussed our experiences and Javier offered his advice. I discussed my interest in an Ayahuasca ceremony with him, and my wife and I arranged to take part that Friday night.
Javier left me with an insight that day – “You can only experience joy to the level that you allow yourself to experience other emotions.”
