It seems that each ceremony gets tougher and tougher. I had slightly less of the medicine today than in the previous ceremony but the effects were the most profound to date. I spent the first couple of hours just relaxing and enjoying the feelings and sensations that came. As usual, I thought to myself, “I’ve finally dealt with all my issues – this is great.”
I did some energy raising exercises and ritual with my quartz crystals without even knowing what I was doing. I was able to lie quite comfortably, not feeling particularly sick, and just enjoying the day. I saw others crying and moving about restlessly and I wondered what was wrong with them.
4 or 5 hours in, everything was still going great, and I left the Maloka to lie in the sun. After some further time, I went back to the Maloka as I heard Luz Maria and Javier singing. Javier asked how I was and I told him that everything was going great still. I was blowing rainbows at the unhappy participants, and I looked up at that angry looking red rod in the Maloka’s ceiling from the previous ceremony and felt nothing – I realized that it was a part of my mind that I needed to embrace and accept, just as it was part of the Maloka roof and was supporting it.
Javier came to me and said that I could break my fast whenever I was ready – I was feeling slightly nauseous, but I was starving. I ate a piece of bread and within about 15 minutes, I was feeling really sick. I went over to my usual rock in the corner of the garden and threw up violently, again and again.
Now I was starting to feel uncomfortable. My stomach was hurting, it was hot and I was sweating profusely again, and I was getting more and more angry. I was angry at myself, life, the world, and everyone around me. Javier asked me how I was feeling and I told him how angry I was. For the first time during ceremony, he led me outside the property and told me to throw ten rocks for my father, and ten for myself. I told him that I didn’t want to hurt the rocks, and he told me that the rocks gave me permission to do so.
I picked up the first rock and threw it. The anger that was building was unbelievable. I quickly threw all ten with as much force as possible, and then threw the next ten. I then vomited further and begun rolling around in the dry mud in physical and emotional pain. Javier came out and asked if I was done yet. I was dehydrated and shaking, hands and feet dusty, muddy and slightly bloody. “No,” I said. “Who are the next ten for?” “Jennifer [my wife],” he replied, and so another ten rocks were hurled, followed by ten more for my mother, ten more for my ex-girlfriend and then ten more for everyone else that came to mind.
Javier saw me struggling to pick up a huge rock and said, “Don’t pick up anything too heavy for you.” I picked up that rock in anger and threw it as far as I could. The field was in a mess, hundreds of rocks of all shapes and sizes had been thrown. I was physically exhausted, dehydrated and boiling hot however I was just as angry as ever. I could feel myself holding back.
Finally, I let go, and let out a shrill scream. I have no idea what that sound was, I’ve never heard it before. The scream was followed by another one moments later. I was rolling around in a bundle of hay and horse barn scrapings, absolutely exhausted and convinced that this was my time to die. I shut my eyes and waited. Soon after, I heard the breaking of twigs, and I opened my eyes to notice two women in pink creeping round me – most likely wondering what the crazy person was doing rolling about in the hay and animal excrement. I let out a third scream in their direction and scared the life out of them. For the first time I couldn’t care less what anyone thought.
Eventually, I was finished, and the anger felt well and truly released. I crawled back to the gate and fell into the Maloka dying for water. I was such a mess that Javier hosed me down while I was sprawled across the grass and fully clothed. The next couple of hours passed with me being too exhausted to even think, let alone move. As always, the ceremony was closed when the sun went down.
Later that evening, once the ceremony had closed and I had laughed about the whole thing with everyone, all of whom had heard my screams, a great sadness came over me. Others were trying to comfort me, and finally shared the cause of my sadness. “I’m such a terrible person. Those two girls were creeping round the big angry monster just like my brother and I used to creep around my big angry father. I exploded at them for no reason, just like my father used to with me.”
That night, I truly forgave my father for his anger, and I forgave myself for the same. This happened We ate dinner together and I collapsed into bed for 9 hours of unconscious sleep. Just when the ceremonies couldn’t get any worse, this was the worst one yet.
The next morning, we all met to discuss our experiences. I shared my experience in full, and thanked everyone for being there for me. It was OK – I had broken down, begun to put the pieces back together, and everyone had been there to support me. Whereas once I would have been wallowing in embarrassment and self doubt, I could sense the respect that the others in the group had for me – for being able to let that go.
I realized that I had many aspects to embrace. I wasn’t the awful person I liked to keep telling myself. No, I was incredibly courageous. I had been willing to go deeper than I ever imagined and faced things I would rather have never looked at. Rather than avoid the process by distracting myself, pacing about, listening to music or walking away mid-way through the retreat, I was ready to stick it out and continue the process. I was strong and brave.
