I want to talk about some of the earliest signs of spiritual awakening so that if you are experiencing this at this point on your path, you can see that you’re not alone and that this is a process of growth and development that’s unfolding, even if it feels very hard and lonely at times.
Ultimately whether we realise it or not, we’re are all on the same journey and going to the same place. Sometimes it can feel very pleasant, sometimes it can feel very painful.
I’ll share the earliest steps in the order that they happened for me, but there isn’t any fixed or defined order and things can happen differently for everyone.
The first realisation was – I am suffering.
This doesn’t feel good. I don’t know why, I don’t know what to do, but I know I’m suffering.
I went to a strict and traditional school, and one of the subjects I took at age 13 was religious studies.
Each year the religions that were taught were different, but in my year, we had Christianity and Buddhism.
I was very fortunate to study Buddhism as there was something about it at the time that offered a light in a sea of darkness for me. I remember the teacher saying “The aim of Buddhists is to reach Enlightenment, Nirvana – an end to suffering”, and a strong realisation coming up for me, and then the thoughts – Yes, enlightenment, that’s it, that’s the goal, that’s what I need.
Now of course it wasn’t enlightenment that I was after, it was the end to suffering, but slowly I began to realise the first truth on the path – I am suffering. And so the curiosity and this sense of seeking my way out of this suffering started.
My second realisation was that everyone around me was suffering. Some seemed to realise it somewhat, most didn’t seem to realise it at all, but they’re just always unhappy, sighing, complaining, fighting, arguing, struggling, and so on. There are sometimes brief moments of happiness but the majority of the time there is suffering.
My third realisation was that we live in some kind of collective insanity.
Why do we treat ourselves and each other the way we do? Why are we fighting and killing each other? Why are we damaging and polluting our planet. What’s this obsession with the economy and profit when the world is falling apart and people are suffering?
There’s no sense to any of this, why are we doing this and what’s driving this insanity?
And my fourth which came a few years later was that there is a voice in my head.
Am I mad?
There’s a voice in my head that narrates my entire experience. Talks to me, criticises me, pacifies me, motivates me and pushes me around.
It’s important to differentiate between the realisation that arises from a place of deeper consciousness and awareness, verses the thoughts that then follow to claim and analyse the realisation. They are not the same thing.
First, the realisation spontaneously arises from a deeper consciousness and awareness of the presence of this mental dialog.
Then the mind jumps back in to talk about it – wow, I have a voice in my head, says the voice.
Then a few brief moments of absolute stunned silence.
Who’s voice is that? Well it’s me – that’s who I am. But then if the voice is me, then who’s listening to it talk? And what happened in that brief moment of absolute silence, I was still alive, so it can’t have been ME. Well, who was still alive? I guess it was my body. OK, who’s body? OK then, the voice isn’t me, it’s my personality. Who’s personality? What on earth is going on here.
The truth that took me many more years to begin to realise is that I am not the voice in my head. The voice is just a manifestation of ego, but this came much much later.
Every so often after these earlier realisations, glimmers now and then began to push through – these rememberings and these realisations. Only afterwards would the mind jump in and start analysing and narrating these realisations.
The early stages of this path can leave us feeling very confused, shaken, lonely and disconnected, but my advice is to trust in the process that is unfolding and find community and relationships that are supportive and aligned with your journey of growth.
